Saturday tears

Yesterday was one of those many days when I went to bed and knew that when I woke up again today, my day would be exhausting.

The days are only counted on two hands per. month now, but that’s still 10 too many of those days. Those days where everything is a struggle, where the couch is my best friend and where at some point during the day, I will have a semi-emotional breakdown, take off my pants and crawl into bed and decide that I should just stay there and wish the day of tomorrow instead.

Doesn’t really work that way though. I know that. “Face your feelings”, “Think your thoughts”, “Feel the pain on your body.”

Well, fuck me. I don’t want any of those things. I just want to shut my brain off and replace it with a 24 hour re-run of stupid cartoons. Something meaningless that doesn’t make you associate or feel anything. But as I know, and as I’ve learned. Feelings must be felt, and thoughts must be thought, and soon enough I find myself in bed with tears streaming down my face in agony of all the feelings I have to feel today. Of all the memories I’ve worked through and gotten past, but are still so excruciating painful no matter how far you’ve gotten yourself.

The pain. The anger. The sadness.

It’s like having a job and sometimes it’s easy to go to work, but sometimes all you wanna do is stay home and not show up. Some days it’s harder to do the heavy lifting and socialize with your colleagues. It’s like that, only it is my life.

The only problem is that you can’t quit your life. And with time I’ve gotten to think thank god for that.


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